You know how it is when you go for a test without even reading up the basic materials. The Economics lecture test felt like my O level Literature paper. The same kind of conceit. Not conceited from any sort of overconfidence, but conceit from being unbothered with the fact that it's going to earn a U grade.

I watched the rest of End of an Era on the iPod (I seriously need to get it named, pronto) while getting to school on the bus today. It started off with Ghost Love Score and my eyes got a little bit misty in the midst of it. The theatrics of Nightwish and their superb performance subdued me. It stung a little to think that it was Tarja's final perfomance with the band. I wondered how the rest of the band felt like as it was merely minutes till she received the open letter about her being dismissed from the band. I wonder if she had any inkling during the performance. But the chemistry on stage was unbelievable. The song was ten minutes of solid epic awesomeness and I continued watching the rest of the set. When I got to school, the set was already over and I ended up watching AFI's 2007 Live Earth performance and was extremely tempted to sing along with it but I would have looked insane.

GP was spent watching part of Bowling For Columbine. It's one of those movies that I've been wanting to watch since a long long time but never really gotten around to finding it. I actually got pretty worked up because my GP teacher wouldn't shut up. He kept stating the obvious about certain things in the movie and I was trying really hard to listen to what the people were saying over his superfluous commentaries.

He had a question for us. He wanted to hear our thoughts on the kind of influences violent music would bring to people. It was when Marilyn Manson was brought up, I suddenly shook myself awake from the afternoon lethargy to hear what he was going to say. I was waiting for the influx of criticism on his behaviour and what he advocates through his music. If you didn't know, in my bedroom, the Bible is actually placed right next to Marilyn Manson's autobiography. The man pushes the limits of freedom of speech and it's not done ridiculously. He's got an astounding amount of intellect. If you're blaming him for the massacres, why don't you think about controlling the goddamned psychopaths who have access to GUNS in your fucking country?! So blind, so full of yourselves.

I actually have a lot to rant about but I can't seem to string my thoughts coherently and I simply have no patience to type everything out. Oh well.

I've never really seen blogging as a tool to self-promotion. There's a reason why I switch off the RSS feeds because I don't need everyone updated on what's going on in my life. If I need that, what's the point of meeting people in person and catching up? Pointless, really. And yet, I have so many of these online journals and ever-growing archives.

If Voldermort relied on Horcruxes to preserve parts of his soul in hope of attaining immortality, I rely on journals to keep figments of my human memory intact.

Would you laugh at me if I told you that I'm doing all these because I'm scared of growing up? Because I'm scared of being senile. Because I'm scared that I would change so much in future that I'd forget what I've always told myself to believe in? Because I'm scared of forgetting some people. Simply just because I'm scared of forgetting. I don't have much faith in my hipppocampus.

I'm quite sure that when I'm thirty and if Blogger, Livejournal, Myspace and Xanga doesn't shut down, I'll be back, scrolling through the archives, laughing at the stupid things I used to do, stupid things I used to say, stupid things I used to worry about and reminding my older self of what I'm missing out in life after getting out of teenhood and being constanly submerged in the woes of being an adult. What a scary thought.

Let's not even say thirty. Even looking through my archives now gives me the weirdest knots in my stomach. I don't exactly agree with everything I'd done but I would have to say if they hadn't taken place, I wouldn't have learnt at all.

It's a funny feeling to read through your old things and say, "My oh my, how much I've grown" or "God, I was such a freak." It's somewhat heartening and somewhat embarrassing but it's something you'd appreciate. Think about what it's like to read what you used to write when you were eight. Seriously, I still have that diary lying in my drawers.

Well, enough about my insecurities of the future.

Davinia started texting me in the midst of my piano lesson yesterday, in a spontaneous attempt to meet up. Even though I was actually planning to do my homework yesterday afternoon, being the horribly distracted individual I am, I agreed and left for Bugis.

We didn't stay in Bugis for long actually. We ended up taking a train down to the airport and stayed at Swensen's till about seven while I made my way to Fish & Co. because my father wanted to have dinner there after arriving from Osaka.

Meeting up old friends is cathartic, even though sometimes you'd feel like you're at a loss for words. Deep-fried mushrooms, clam chowder and ice-cream. It was a weird mix of food and conversation topics but it was fun. I was making a confession to Davinia about how I was hooked onto K-pop during/after the June holidays when Kiron called Davinia on the phone. Apparently Davinia had accidentally called one of her classmates and Kiron called back to check. She attributed her carelessness to the shock upon learning that I actually listened to K-pop.

Dav: I'm sorry! I think it was because I was too shocked when I found out that Yi Ting listens to K-pop!
Kiron: WHAT? WHO LISTENS TO K-POP?!
Dav: YES, YI TING LEONG.
Kiron: LET ME TALK TO HER.
Dav passes her phone over to me.
Me: H-hello.
Kiron: YI TING LEONG.
Me: ...Yes?!
Kiron: WHY DID YOU CANCEL ON DAVINIA AND ME ON THURSDAY!
Me: I had listening comprehension and I had something on after that!
Kiron: I BET IT WAS BECAUSE OF LI ZHI.
Me: Well yeah, art exhibition.
Kiron: HAH. I KNEW IT.
Me: What?! Weng Keong was there too.
Kiron: Did he cry?
Me: What? Weng Keong? Why would he cry?!
Kiron: Nonono, LI ZHI, DID HE CRY?!
Me: NO HAHA, WHY WOULD HE CRY?!
Kiron: BECAUSE HE LOVES TO CRY.

Omfglol, Victorians, tsk. Ah well. Davinia and I were heading up to Fish & Co. when we made a trip to the toilet. You know, at the airport, they have those water coolers right outside the toilet. Because Dav takes French, I pointed at "Eau Potable" and made her say it out. I don't know why but it tickled me. O POTUB.

Must there be a customary conclusion to every post written?

A Levels Chinese listening comprehension wasn't too bad today. Don't judge me, I was actually listening to the music that was being played before the recording. They played Sibelius' music (FINNISH. AWESOME.) and quite a number of pieces in 3/4 time.

I was quite sure though, that I'd heard/read the first passage from somewhere before. It's only listening comprehension, they told me, but the moment it ended, I was shaking uncontrollably from the elation of knowing it was over. I blacked out for a wee bit while packing my bag but thankfully I didn't keel over. Everything came back into focus after seeing pitch-darkness for about ten seconds.

Met Desiree on the bus back home from school. I found it really weird. I last saw her in 2006 and we're as good as strangers now.

I got home at about half-past four and left about 90 minutes later to meet Weng Keong at the MRT because we were headed to the AEP exhibition at City Hall. I found it funny how most of the exhibits were to a certain extent quite sadistic. I don't do art but it seems that Singaporeans like resorting to extremities such as gore and sadism to put forth their artwork and to impact the people who view their work. I'm not sure about you but wouldn't it make more sense to do something that people can relate to? I mean they were nice to look at and all but there weren't really ones that were particularly impressionable.

Art, like music, has gone into cliches and is used as a tool to measure the standard of living in Singapore. Maybe it's just me being too much of a cynic but they don't feel true anymore. I'm not saying that it's enough to be sincere in delivering your work, of course there needs to be of at least a certain standard, but what use is a creation when there is no soul to it? It'll probably sound like me playing the piano.

Well anyway, walking along the corridors of the old Supreme Court made me feel slightly disoriented. I first thought about the people who were convicted in the very courtrooms which they had used for the galleries. The next thing I knew, I realised that I was having another moment of deja vu.

Li Zhi and Weng Keong had a lot to talk to their old teachers about, though I kept hearing Facebook this, Facebook that. Took pictures which I have no clue as to how they'd looked like and we headed off for dinner along with their junior.

Dinner was a terrifying experience. Think artsy-fartsy boys talking about academic-art, H1 Math, making references to chic-flicks (oh the horror, I couldn't even relate to them), gossiping about people they know and being able to stomach all the food. Okay, it was quite interesting but I couldn't bring myself to say anything apart from, "I'm sorry, I feel really nauseous from looking at that cheesecake" and other random comments.

The train ride home was equally as scary. There were so many people on the train and it sucked that all three of them were taller than me. I got sandwiched in the middle without anything to hold onto so I ended up clawing empty spaces and unintentionally stepped on countless shoes when inertia proved to be too much for me to handle.

Funnier things happened today, like watching Jodie taking painkillers and whatever happened later in the day. But you see, my usually endless stream of incoherent thoughts ends here.

- Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain

I've been listening to this on repeat. I'll try to find the scores. I won't be doing the song justice if I don't play it according to as it's written. I love waltzes. Yi Chieh, if you were still here in Singapore, I'd make you go take up ballroom-dancing with me! I see all the whirling of dresses and rhythmic swishes of bodies and feet. Geez, the paracetamol's getting to my consciousness.

& thanks Marisa, for just talking after reading the Twitter updates(:

It's nice to know that some people still care.

DAVEY HAVOK LOOKS FUCKIN' AWESOME PLEASE. HELLA SEXY.

It seems that AFI takes about 3 years and 3 months to release a new album. It doesn't matter. DxH comes back looking better than ever :D Well all of them to, but as usual, I'm biased towards Davey. So much for A Fire Inside, now they look like they're ON FIRE.

{Starts clawing at the computer screen}
Okay, I need to get away from the picture.

Okay, school this week has been fraught with disappointments and most definitely failures. I'm referring to the Common Tests, of course. So my H2s are sinking beneath the surfaces and my H1s proved to be rather surprising. Someone tried to spur me on into preparing for promos already but me being me, I remain unmoved and unmotivated.

School ended earlier today because of the Chinese A levels oral examination. The passage was so filled with words I could barely identify but the conversation topic was pretty simple. I'm not really depressed about it or anything but I do feel a slight bit of indignation over the fact that it could have gone a little bit better.

Dialogues of late have been kind of funny. I shan't put up names.

Scenario 1 - On older women dating younger men.
Person A : Oh my god, that's like paedophillia... I DON'T WANT TO BE PAEDOPHILED!

Scenario 2 - A teacher comments "be more explicit" on someone's Economics essay.
Person B: Hey! The teacher told me to be more explicit! >D
Me: Go draw on some balls.

Scenario 3 - On being asked to give an opinion for an English name.
Person C: Eh, what name do you think suits me? Apart from the given.
Me: Uh, Tom? Dick? Harry?
Person C: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? TOM KOK? DICK KOK? HARRY KOK? IT JUST GETS FROM FUN TO FUNNIEST WITH EACH NAME.

Scenario 4 - Upon reading about Li Zhi's artwork being exhibited.
Person C: I want my work to be exhibited too!
Me: Go be an exhibitionist!

Puns intended. Go figure.

I like what I see in the refrigerator. Cartons of Peel Fresh powerberries juice and an entire stash of blueberries, cherries and strawberries :D They make me so happy(:

So my mom found the Nine Inch Nails concert tickets lying somewhere in my room and asked exactly how much I'd paid for it. I don't get it. Different people have passions in different things. Just because yours is in food, doesn't mean mine has to be too. If I'm saving just enough to spend on something which I know I would never regret about, then why can't you just let me be?

And save me your shit about me being unlady-like. In this day and age, I don't see why I have to succumb to your sterotypes of skirts, dresses and long hair. I don't have to be a whiny bitch and to act all meek and docile just to let people know that I'm a girl. Sheesh. Ah but that doesn't mean I don't own any of the above nor do any of the above but I am not to be characterised by things like such.

Okay, so the nonconformist in me is exploding in a rant.

School's actually been pretty slack lately, apart from the incessant reminders about EoMs and Chinese oral examinations. I took the bus from Marine Parade to school out of convenience and laziness today. So I was sleeping with the iPod on when I heard someone sniggering on my left. I opened up my eyes to look. I don't know what Weng Keong was laughing at but he shooed me back to sleep.

Lessons were slow but short today. We mistook our Economics teacher's off-day for today and didn't bring our tutorials to school. Chemistry lecture was a torture. We got back our Chemistry papers and it's really comforting (sarcasm please) to know that the class average is Ungraded at 35%. I was surprised too, by the mere fact that I had scored a double-digit score. At my level of comprehension for the A level syllabus, this is rather satisfactory.. Well for me, at least, at this point in time.

The Chinese teacher finally went through the conversation section for the Chinese oral examinations. I find myself immensely incapacitated by the mere speaking of the Chinese language about issues pertaining to the economy and societal impacts. What more can I expect from having to do that, coupled with nerves and intense anxiety, on Friday?

The class stayed back to do some preparations for service learning. It was a messy hour. Milk, sugar, vanilla essence, ice and salt. All the melted ice dissolving the pile of salt started leaking out of some of our Ziploc bags, so we'd left huge puddles in the cafeteria. Salt cakes started forming on our skin while the water evaporated in the sun and we were getting impatient from having to hold the freezing package, waiting for the mixture to solidify. It went pretty well but I couldn't get the odour of milk out of my mouth and my stomach groaned in protest to the influx of dairy products. I should have known better, but ah well, it was all for fun.

I'm too lazy to get any work done right now. Debussy's being shuffled onto the music player. It's a sign -- to practice my pieces):

I have pressed Ctrl + A and Backspace about five times for this blog post. Now it's got me thinking, wouldn't it be cool if we could do the same with life? To undo all the wrong decisions made and wrong actions taken, to erase all regrets and bitter grudges.

Good lord, I'm turning into such a coward.

Yesterday morning, I woke up, sat right up, blinked once/twice/thrice, cocked my head to one side, trying to figure out what I'd been dreaming about and immediately proceeded to texting Kee Jia and Marisa. I'd dreamt that I met SS501 in Turkey (of all countries?!) and was speaking in Chinese throughout the dream. I came upon the conclusion that the dream was the effect of the talk about SS501 with Marisa + my father bugging me for pictures from Turkey + the worry of the upcoming Chinese oral examination.

So Marisa and I were talking about my ridiculous dream over MSN and here's part of the conversation.

(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
i rmb asking them if i could have them sign on something
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
HAHAHAHHA!
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
because my friends would love to have it
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
HAHAHAHA
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
IT WASN'T EVEN FOR MYSELF
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
I WAS THINKING OF YOU AND THIS OTHER FRIEND OF MINE
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
BOTH OF WHICH WERE THE FIRST PEOPLE I TEXTED AFTER I WOKE UP HAHAHAHAHAHA
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
YAHOOO!
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
NOW GIVE ME !
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
HAHAHAH!
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
OMGGGG!
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
i'll dream it to you tonight LOL
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
SARANGHAEYOOOOOO
(8:51 PM) CRASH<3:
LOLWTF
(8:51 PM) Marisa?:
HAHAHAHAH!

I've been on moodle for the past hour, getting some stuff for Economics. After the hour of intense copying into the tables, my right hand's now shaking uncontrollably and my handwriting progressively gets more and more untidy.

I feel like I haven't been quite myself lately. Do you feel it too?

The morning arrived way too soon. And so I tumbled out of bed feeling like I was a kid again as the bedroom light scorched my eyes. I can't even remember when the last time I'd felt like that had been.

School had been so horribly draggy. I escaped as quickly as possible and ended up back at SC to collect the yearbook and to disturb Serena who was at study camp. Every trip made back to SC always feels like returning home. So I flipped through the yearbook while Serena tried to make notes on physical Geography.

Before we left, she dragged me off to her classroom just to show me the state of which my Chemistry notes are in and her attempts to imitate my handwriting in the notes. Gosh, it's seriously hilarious because her handwriting is a lot rounder than mine and SERENA, LEARN THE TRICK, USE A 0.28 PEN!

I like to harp on things that I can recall from young because I have this irrational fear of losing my memory. I've always wondered that if I would still remember, when I'm thirty, how it was like to wake up in the middle of the night, peering into the semi-darkness of my parents' bedroom, and felt like I was seeing helicopters and ceiling fans whirring about in my peripheral vision. And there's this other thing about deteriorating audio sensitivity as we grow older. Prior to LCD telelvisions and what not, did you ever take note of the high frequency buzzing coming from the telelvision set? It'd always annoyed me and my mom claimed that I was hearing things. And I remember how badly I used to cry when my mom left me home alone after school when I was still studying in a kindergarten. I freaked out so badly, my mom thought I fell and hurt myself or something.

Everytime I close my eyes to go to sleep, I feel like I'm on lysergic acid dyethylamide. Psychedelic-coloured lines like worms and forming patterns sneaking across the endless expanse of black and grey.

Don't mind me, I'm not feeling mentally-sound at all right now.

I felt like being at the piano but I realised that I didn't know what I wanted to play. Ended up spamming quite a bit of The Cure and thought about the times when Debo and I jammed to Lovesong as well as the awesome near three-hour concert in the Singapore Indoor Stadium with Skylar and Debo. Maybe I'll listen to them before I sleep tonight.

I've been using Twitter quite a lot. What a weird thing to say, but true.

It's only been three days back at school with lessons and I already feel so tired. Sheesh. They'd postponed College Day and Learning Fest but homework's coming back on and MSAs are coming in about a month.

School's been ending pretty late and because of H1N1, we actually have fixed seating arrangements now, even for laboratory practicals and lectures. It's one of the most ridiculous things ever because the new timetables scheduled many more breaks and within these breaks, close contact is inevitable, espcecially when it's always so packed during the breaks. And because there are so many students taking H2 Economics, they can't even afford to seat us in alternative chairs. As for the other lectures, the people sitting right at the side can't even look at the screen properly.

If they're ready to move on from H1N1, why are they still making this fuss?

Anyway, I watched a wee bit of Michael Jackson's public memorial service on the television yesterday. I'm still in a wee bit of denial about his death. Though I am kind of annoyed at how the media's digging into his private life and releasing it to the rest of the world. Sheesh, can't the man die in peace? So does fame compromise extensively on privacy? Does it always have to be that way?

You know, my Chinese teacher is totally annoyed at me and claims that I'm being deliberately difficult. Okay firstly, why are you being so defensive? It's not like I'm saying you're at fault. Secondly, it was just a comment, I didn't mean it in the you're-wrong-I'm-right way. Lastly, damn, you're reminding me of my mom.

We got back 2 out of the 3 sections of the Biology paper. It looked better than I'd expected but I'm undoubtedly still upset about failing it. Genetics did me shockingly proud though. And I seriously mean shockingly. I just hope for the best when section A is returned next Monday.

Mmm, I've been rambling. Did I mention anything about tchoukball?

& by the way..

#900:


Was watching the Official All-Time Top 40 Michael Jackson hits last night on MTV and that song got stuck in my head. Went out to meet up with Zi Wei yesterday, planning to have towhuay but it was such a hot day, we bought grass jelly instead. After that, I took a bus down to Tampines to meet up with Jia Ying and Li Zhi because we wanted to go to Ikea. I stood among the hundreds of people at the beeping cashiers but unlike their trolleys full of things, I was just paying for a CD rack which cost $2.70. I must have been insane. But at least I have enough space for my CDs now.

There was supposed to be lunch with the class today, but only four people could make it. So instead of the initial plan, Nathaniel, John, Mitchell and I stalked off from City Hall, ate at Long John Silver's and watched I Love You, Man. The funny thing was that I'd wanted to collect my thumbdrive back from Li Zhi after the thing but he replied to say that he would be out. The next thing I knew, while we waited for Nathaniel, Li Zhi walked past us. And at Subway, we were killing time before heading off to the cinema, when Ruici and the entire group of Rafflesians walked by. Talk about coincidences.

Here are my final hours before school officially starts again and I'm going to spend it.. Watching the television.

Dinner today, was one of the funniest ever.

Mom: There are so many places we haven't been too!
Brother: Yeah, like Japan and Korea? Oh by the way, are we going anywhere for the (year-end) holidays?
Dad: Maybe. Where do you want to go?
Mom: Hey, what about Korea?
Me: Nurrrr.
Dad: {Attempts to mock the way they speak} hee-hee-hor-hor

Omglol.

Anyway, I've been spamming The Nanny on YouTube and am almost done with Season 1 while the television airs Season 2. The series however, were out since 1993 and ended in 1999. Yes, it's rather old but the dialogues are fresher than stale gossip of new sitcoms and drama series. The enthusiasm of following up with the series led to a lack of sleep.

Five people turned up for choir today and the teachers decided to cancel in the end because we simply couldn't do anything productive with 2/3 the choir missing. Jodie, Ying Yian and I refreshed our memories by going through the songs due for next Friday at the foyer before we left school.

So choir was cancelled, jamming was cancelled and I went back to the Katong area to collect my new spectacles which most people claim hardly has any difference from my old pair. Well, thank goodness for that. I don't think I'll be able to cope with anymore physical changes. Bus-ed to Tanah Merah to meet Li Zhi because he wanted to buy a CD and I'd insisted on HMV.

When we got to HMV, he didn't buy a shit and I left the place feeling forty-bucks poorer. Oh, the irony. So I walked out with With Teeth by Nine Inch Nails and Fantasy Ride by Ciara. Okay, so they aren't the most complementary of albums but who are you to judge me anyway!

I need the Ikea CD rack so bad right now. I don't like it when my CDs lie around exposed in the room. They look so vulnerable and so threatened by the possibility of being stepped on or even sat on. And you don't know how irrational I can get when my CDs or even just their covers get defaced.

Talking to my mother can be quite exasperating even though I know she means well.

I was planning to wake up an hour later that I had today, but my phone vibrated at seven-thirty. Being a light-sleeper, I woke up and took a look at the screen. Realising that it was a teacher on the other end, I answered the phone call, attempting the best I could without sounding as though I'd just woken up. But it failed. I couldn't go back to sleep so I woke up and attempted to revise a wee bit more of Math before heading for piano.

The piano lesson was mainly spent doing the third movement of the sonata and I struggled with the triplets, once again. Maybe the air-conditioning got so annoyed with me that it started leaking. It sent a stream of cold water trickling down onto my piano teacher's books and scores. Not a pretty sight.

Math paper wasn't that much of a horror but I couldn't do the last question. After minutes of stubborn trial-and-error with some methods, I managed to get the answer to one part but the others.. Nah. So the shock about my hair continues though it's already been a week or so. The CT walked in after the paper to introduce the new co-CT and hand out new timetables and entry proofs. I've never felt so glad about a change in teachers. Not so much in the position of the CT, more so the Chemistry teacher.

Went off to Tanglin Mall after we were dismissed to meet Deborah to get the Nine Inch Nails tickets. I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. We absolutely can't wait for the 10 August now. Met Li Zhi at Dhoby when I was getting home from Orchard because SOMEONE didn't know how to get to the Grand Cathay.

Not sure if jamming's still going on tomorrow since the jamming studio hasn't gotten back to Mitch. Anyway, I'm collecting a new pair spectacles tomorrow. I just hope I won't get dizzy with the new astigmatism prescription.

AHHHH. NIN. NIN. NIN. <3

To be really honest, I quite hate it when people talk to me about studying. Especially about the ways I should be studying according to yourself. Call me stubborn or completely unappreciative but I belong to the category of people who repel people stronger than they are being pushed. So please, don't try.

Okay, I hate to say this but I've started going on Twitter, thanks to our dearest Jade Puget and Hunter Burgan. So that's half of AFI up on Twitter and I secretly wish Davey Havok's on it too, but the chances of that are rather meagre.

I'm contemplating about locking up my Twitter account so that it'd be less public. But honestly, I don't think I'll need to do it because hardly anyone would be able to find it because I signed up with a less public e-mail address. What's screwed up about my account is that I'm following four people but the one and only person they show on my sidebar is not even an account I'm following. Ridiculous. But I need things like these to shut the voices up in my head and if you didn't already know, I'm against multi-posting in one day on one blog, so Twitter provids an absolutely convenient platform (and you can start saying therapy).

Anyway, talking about Davey Havok, I remember the time he'd described how he acted like a total fanatic when he met Trent Reznor from Nine Inch Nails. So Deborah and I went for The Cure's concert in 2007. This year, even though we've already gone for Kaiser Chiefs', we're going for NIN's upcoming concert too. Woohoooo. I'm kind of worried about the crowd though, frankly speaking. It's in one month's time and we're hoping to be able to get the tickets this Friday. Oh my goodness, I already can't wait. This will be another step closer to AFI. Heh.

I spent today spamming NIN songs on the music player. Pretty Hate Machine and With Teeth, I will get my hands on you. Were you wondering where my love for rock music went?